( “No one will love you until you learn to love yourself” is an easy enough phrase to believe is true. But it’s terrifying, especially when you have depression. What if you never learn? As a teenager, it made me fear for my life as an adult. I was certain I would never be capable of being in a relationship, but I was very wrong. Honestly, I do not like myself very much, and in August of 2013, a boy fell very, very much in love with me.



I have dealt with depression for as long as I can remember. I’ve been on and off medications, been to therapy, but it’s still alive and well, comfortable in its home in my bones. I can feel it every day, a tiny inkling that causes breathtaking emotional pain at the most inconvenient of times.


My depression doesn’t care that I am in a relationship with a boy who makes me laugh, tells me I’m beautiful 20 times a day, and cares more deeply for me than any other boy has. I am grateful for the nights he holds me while I cry for hours for no reason. I am thankful that he puts up with my random periods of irritability. He constantly attempts to comfort me if I am suddenly uncomfortable when we’re out in public. He fills me with hope for the future when I lead myself down the darkest of paths, plays with my hair when I’m having trouble sleeping, and encourages me to eat when I have no appetite. He takes care of me and I never even had to explain myself. I still consciously think to myself, nine months into this relationship, “Wow, someone is in love with me.” I often think about how lucky I am to be loved, regardless of my flaws in chemistry.


This intense love is frightening, because every day, I fear that one more thing will push him over the edge. That one more time of me rolling over in bed, teary-eyed, for no reason, could push him away. I know it upsets him, and I reassure him through my salty, blurred vision that it’s not his fault. I am often overcome with guilt and I hate that my feelings about myself cause any pain on his part. Sometimes he is not easily convinced, but I try as hard as I can with the little energy I have. Some of our nights end in a tight hug and an “I’m sorry” mumbled from my lips, but I’m just thankful that he is still happy to wake up to me every morning.


Every day is a struggle. I am constantly on edge, going back and forth between caring too much and not caring at all, wondering when he will have enough. He is quick to remind me how much he loves me, but I am just as quick to be overcome with crippling doubt. We both know that this is how forever will be, and if he hasn’t given up yet, I’m certain that he is 100% all in.


Never let anyone tell you that you are not worth being loved if you don’t love yourself. Never let anyone tell you that your mental illness is the reason why you are not in a relationship. Never let anyone tell you that you should smile more, fix your hair, or wear more color. Never let anyone makes you feel bad about what you can’t always control.


Someone will be in love with you regardless of your most comfortable state, and if that happens to be curled up on the floor of your room, crying as you listen to your favorite sad songs, then you have found true love. ) - Holly Everett

... And the hardest part of living, is just taking breaths to stay.

I take it all back, all that I said. It comes out too fast. I just couldn't help the way that I felt. I started the fire. Watching you walk, I followed you there, standing too close. It’s hurting. And it feels like jealousy, it feels like I can’t breathe. Is it me that you want, cause it’s me you can have. Can you give me an answer?

Cause I’m tired of waiting.

I’m tired of thinking.

"The world gives hard lives to those that have the capacity to survive it.
So excuse me while I prove the world right, and prove y’all wrong."
- Jayson Flores

"I hate the way I still check for your interactions online.


I hate the way I still want you to be mine.


I hate how, after all this time, I still think about you.


I hate how you became someone I only knew.


I hate the way I tried to change you.


I hate the way you changed me, and still do.


I hate the way my mind forces me to remember the way I fell.


And I hate the fact that trying to love you put my heart through hell.


I despise the times when I see your name pop up on my phone.


Most of the time being with you, I would have been better off alone.


I hate when I fall asleep with you in my mind.


And I hate the fact that I savored the rare occasions in which you were kind.


I hate when things remind me of you.


And I hate how I still want to know what you’re up to.


I hate knowing that what we had is spent.


And I hate knowing that you never made one promise that you meant.


As time passes, the memory of us will fade away.


But I’ll remember that actions always speak louder than the words that you say.


At the end of the day, we have to put ourselves first.


Even if the thought of being without them makes your heart burst.


So I said goodbye to you hoping to never look back.


And although sometimes I waiver, I stick with my pact.


Some things are never meant to be.


And though a part of my heart will always want you, it’s time to love me.

  I honestly think it'd be better off if I left when I had the chance.

Your actions speak louder than your words.

Pain is what changes us.

"When a girl gives up, it's not because she doesn't love you.
It's because she's tired of getting hurt and feeling like you'll never care."

wake up

wake up. check the time. get dressed. eat. check the time. brush our teeth. check the time. go to work. listen to music. check the time. arrive at work. chat. check the time. work. listen. day dream. check the time. write. drink. check the time. eat. listen to music. check the time. wait. work. check the time. collect work. go home. check the time. arrive home. relax. eat. eat again. check the time. work. check the time. see friends. talk. check the time. browse the internet. eat dinner. check the time. brush our teeth. wind down. check the time. fall asleep.

Repeat.
Time is running out. 

You're the echoes of my everything, you're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon, you're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.
You're the leaky sink of sentiment, you're the failed attempts I never could forget.
You're the metaphors I can't create, to comprehend this curse that I call love...

So how will I break the news to you?

I look for scars on other people's wrists.

Lie to me.

I dare you.

Do it again.

You're such a sweet liar.

I can't deny, I sometimes miss the way we were.

meow.

alexithymia

a state of deficiency in understanding, processing, or describing emotions. 

Blake Bliss <3

You come to me with scars on your wrist, you tell me that this will be the last night feeling like this.

Do you believe in fate?

It seems as much as you don't want something to happen, and you change your life as much as you can, to stop it from happening. It happens anyway. Like life is punishing you from running away from it in the first place. Like it was always mean't to be. So what's the point of doing anything any more? If some things are meant to be, I'll guess they'll happen, whether you want them to or not. And all you have to do, is deal with it.

It seems simple enough.

I follow a road.

A road to no where.

Darkness follows me.

I'm on my own.

But then, I start to feel so hurt,
Though there's still no physical pain.
The hurt is still inside my head,
So I cut my arm again.

they won't try to change you.
they'll just accept you as you are.
friends til the end'

It's nice when someone remembers the little things about you. Not because you keep reminding them, but because they actually care.

I don't really have any motivation to do anything anymore. I don't feel like wasting my energy on all the pointless day to day bullshit of life. So if you don't hear from me, I ran away in my mind.

Don't try to find me.

bdsm.

 

happy days

ayo, fuck this.Are we dating?Are we fucking?Are we best friends?Are we something in between that?I wish we never fucked.And I mean that.

ily = i love you. i'm leaving you.

Yeah, she puts cuts on her wrists, just to bleed out the devil.

Maybe I'm a dreamer? Maybe I'm misunderstood?

Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should?

Maybe I'm crazy? Maybe I'm the only one?

Maybe I'm just out of touch? Maybe I've just had enough?
Maybe it's hopeless? Maybe I should just give up?

Maybe it is time to change and leave it all behind.

How long have I been in this storm?

So overwhelmed by the oceans shapeless form, water's getting harder to tread, with these waves crashing over my head. If I could just see you, everything would be all right, if I could see you, this darkness would turn to light. And I will walk on water, and you will catch me if I fall, and I will get lost into your eyes and everything will be all right, and everything will be all right. I know you didn't bring me out here to drown, so why am I ten feet under and upside down, barely surviving has become my purpose, because Im so used to living underneath the surface.

but everything's alright;

You never cared to hear the other side, so why would you care to keep this thing alive? You paint me into the memory of all your pain, but I will not be drawn into the past again. Cause all of this is all that I can take and you could never understand the demons that I face. I never meant for you to feel this way. It's not a question of who is wrong and what is right. But time can not heal what you will never recognize. So go ahead and cry. Go ahead, believe that you are right, to keep away the dark, to help you sleep tonight.

sometimes just the little things you say to a person, can break them.

'Peace begins, when expectation ends.'

opinions wont keep you warm at night.

Wait while jealousy tears you apart,
I'm sorry but I cannot help the way you are.
That we do the things you can't.
Just wait, can't you see you're being weak?
It's shallow and dark you know every time you speak.
You're just lying through your teeth
Sometimes, days I'd like to say
'I don't agree with what you see.'
But I will never let the bitter things you say ever get to me.

i'm still waiting for the day,

when it will all just end.

so now you see

i wasted all my tears,
without breaking the silence
even if it freezes and condemns me
this time, i will go straight to the point
i will say those words so that my soul does not suffer anymore.

all I wanted was you to listen and talk to me,
understand me and hear me, but you didn't want to
because your silence is your most beautiful weapon
i will never surrender, open your heart
you will have lost everything.

i would like to know what you hide
in your thoughts from where I am excluded
i am no longer the one you talk to
i don't recognize you anymore
believe me, I won't make a fuss about it
even if what you say kills me.

i screamed and whispered,
but I hurt myself to this wall of silence
i kept silent, waiting..

but not anymore.

i wake in a sweat again, another nightmare.
another day's been, i've wasted time.
i'm stuck in my head again, thinking about everything.
feeling like I'll never come home.
there's no escape from this, my mind is the enemy.
i've given up, i'm sick of feeling like this.
there's nothing you can say that will take the pain away.
i'm suffocating from my own misery.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
i don't know what to do.
i'm scared, i'm not strong enough to fight.
searching for help somehow, somewhere.

and no one cares, no one understands.

I was breaking out of my own skin,
Choking upon release
I'm in no state, to judge you
Scratching itches best left alone,
Chasing memories I used to own
I can't wait until this is over, tonight
Bridges I've been dreaming are going down,
They're changing my future
Visions I had buried underground,
Return us our futures
Well the nightmares I've been having have arrived,
They're changing my future
Signs of my creation at my door,

How could you do this to her?

feel.

And now you crossed that line, you can't come back.

Tell me how does it feel now?

It's too late too much to forget about, can't stop now.

How does it feel now?
I'm only asking because I wanna know, how you wanna feel?

Well, I'm a wreck, I'm a mess, I'm a spot on the pavement

I'm a number on your wall, I make you so tired
And I don't think I like this game no more...
It goes around and round and round
I'll tell you one more time.

I'm only asking because I wanna know, how you wanna feel?